I am, to put it bluntly, freaking the fuck out. I'm questioning everything about my relationship and my marriage and it's completely unnecessary and yet ... my brain can't stop running through all the old patterns.
I'm not pretty enough. I'm not skinny enough. Smart enough, thoughtful enough, interesting enough. I'm not working enough nor bringing in enough money. I'm a poor excuse for a wife. I mean, hell, I'd cheat on me. Why wouldn't he want to? Surrounded by smart, interesting, successful, beautiful people all day? People who are engaged in the world around them, who don't sit at home all day popping pills and having baby-talk conversations and fretting about developmental milestones while covered in spit-up. People who are far more worthy of his attention than I am.
I guess I need to ask why? Why doesn't he want to come home? Why would he rather stay at work until all hours? What can I do to change these though patterns that have me doubting everything about myself and my life?
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